5 Reasons You Can Get Pumped About Being a Redneck (Part I)

As I have explained before, rednecks are probably the worst sub-culture on our planet. I do tend fight my heritage frequently and try to pretend that I’m not a closet redneck. But as complicated as my city life gets, the more I think…maybe they have it all right?

Once I began contemplating it, I realized that there were some things to get excited about. It allowed me to become comfortable with this terrifying concept. I’m going to give you 5 reasons that you can get a little pumped about being a redneck. This post was to be 10 reasons but I broke it into parts because I’m a lazy whore who is trying to up my posting frequency, so shut your hole. So here’s my personal reasons for getting pumped…

5. Sweet Tea: Like I need to explain? But there’s something about that syrupy nectar that makes my mouth water and my teeth rot. That beautiful amber color, topped off with a juicy lemon just screams “OH MY GOD PUT ME INSIDE YOU!” Since I left the country, I can only drink it half sweetened, but I still crave the shit out of it. That’s probably because it comes straight from […]

5 Ways I Try to Fight The War Against My White Trash Genetics

Damn, it’s been a hot minute since I have updated this blog. For a while, I had high hopes of updating once a week, but I think that’s a bit ambitious for someone who is proud she can wipe her own ass with minimal pain. Things got dark for a while and I was super depressed because of a back injury (see ass wiping statement), so I haven’t been in my normal mood to post fart jokes and self-deprecating tales slathered in midget lust.

Alas, after murdering a few cupcakes, eating a lot of tramadol pills, and dropping a shit ton of money on spinal decompression…I’m back up on dat ass like some Preparation H. I’ve been competing with Courtney Love for “Pillhead of The Year.” One discovery I have made is if I were a druggie of any type, I would so be into pills. Luckily I have absolutely dick for an addictive personality (except for stupid sweet tea, frozen yogurt, and thrift stores) so I don’t have that part of West Virginia engrained in me.  But the pill statement made me realize that there’s a lot of things I have overcome in order to be this classy bitch […]

Hillbilly Vocabulary: What The Hell Are You Talking About?

Holy trucker mullet, it’s been a hot minute since I updated my blog, and I’m sorrier then Milli when Vanilli committed suicide. But when I was visiting my family over the holidays, I realized it was important for me to post about hillbillies and their “language.”

I’m a translator amongst my people. I translate all the time what things mean and what hillbillies are trying to convey to the normal, educated person. We’re going to take a stroll through a quick vocab course…these are terms I grew up with and never thought about until I moved.

“MASHED”

Why do hillbillies say the word “mashed?” Let me give you an example. In the parts of the country where we have electricity, we say things like “I pressed on this icon, but it’s not working.” No, my mother says “mashed.” Example: “I mashed the remote but I just can’t get it to work!” You don’t mash a button, you mash a fucking potato and drown that shit in gravy. You do the monster mash. You don’t mash buttons or any other form of technology! Quit saying mashed!

“RURNED”

“Rurned” is the past tense form of “ruined.” Pronounce it like burn, with an r. You can obviously […]

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Who the Hell is Sheena?
Sheena is the name my mom gave me when she heard Sheena Easton's "Morning Train" in 1981. My dad could never say it or remember it, so my sister still calls me "Sheiler" because that's what he called me. I write, I sing, I paint, and more importantly, I'm good at making people laugh. This blog was started in hopes to find the twisted readers who would love what I do, and share with others.
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