This list is just the beginning of many, but I can pen you ten things right now that could very well save your marriage and raise your self esteem. Yes friends, when you mentally digest and then violently hurl what stories I’m about to share with you, you’ll probably try to send me flowers. But don’t do that. Instead, pass this blog around so someone will buy my book. That’s my only requested form of pity. But I always will accept Chili’s gift cards. That there’s fancy eatin’s from whereabouts I came.So let’s get started on the ten things I can randomly generate in my mindtank. 10 – When I was about 13, we had lots of inbred uncared for dogs. I can’t even tell you how many, since my diddy thought a vet was ONLY a war hero. Probably 15? I fell while trying to play basketball alone in my front yard. The same front yard with discarded trash, spare tires, and random logs of firewood. I somehow fell onto my arm and acquired a small hairline fracture. Unfortunately, they put my arm in a splint. The next day, I waited at dawn for the bus since my [...]

I was reflecting back on my life (As I often do when working on this book) and ended up heartily laughing at many memories (as I often do when working on this book) that I wanted to share with you, loyal reader.  You see, in my childhood, I was DESPERATE for approval of some kind and needed to feel accepted. This incessant need always led me into some ridiculous scenario where I was lambasted for being A: pale B: fat C: impoverished and D: for having 6 foot thick glasses. There was no help for me, so I had come to rely on my personality…which landed me a hot dude that wants to marry me so take that, fuckers!Regardless, let me not keep you waiting, as you are anticipating these tales. Please envision these items in your mind, and you will then no longer feel the need to reproduce. This could be YOUR kid.1. Once I used tanning spray on my ghostly white neon body. Except, I failed to read the directions on properly putting on said tan spray. So I sprayed it on liberally and headed out into the field where our vegetables used to be. Now it [...]

Our family has never been one of financial stability by any means. So you’d know that when someone re-pos one of our vehicles and we actually DID make a payment on it, it could get graphic.That’s exactly what happened one day in the 80′s during breakfast. We were sitting around our dinner table, next to our six ton Ben Franklin wood heater, enjoying a nutritious heart friendly breakfast of fat back (google it if you’re confused) and grits. A strange tow truck appears and two men get out. The twenty eight plus dogs we had were all in an uproar. The two men, one fat, and one skinny-began snooping around my sister’s Ford Festiva with an envelope in hand. My sister jumped up like a rocket and flew outside to confront the situation head on in her ever so diplomatic way.It was news to her that her payment hadn’t been received despite her mailing it several days before the repo men were dispatched. No one had contacted her, they simply sent someone out to pick up the vehicle. She began cussing and screaming at the two strangers and demanding an explanation. My father begins snickering outside because he can’t get [...]