It’s very rare anyone in my family buys new shit, and it’s for a good reason. My mother goes through washers and dryers like Honey Boo-Boo’s mom goes through Doritos, all because she is such a laundry-retarded hillbilly.  She actually washes rugs in the washer and other things you probably shouldn’t wash and we suspect she still does despite us having an intervention with her. So it’s no surprise that when they do purchase something new, it’s like the day they christened the Titanic leaving the pier. It’s a celebration to have nice shit, so we bust out some glitter confetti and some Boonesfarm $2.99 wine in red solo cups.

Well my sister got fancy, and bought a washer and dryer combo (Gasp! They matched) brand new a little over a year ago. She worked two jobs, probably won a few midget tossing tournaments, and some how scraped up the funds to buy this expensive set to wash the bras she never actually wears.

A couple of weeks ago, the new-ish washer quit working. So she calls the Whirlpool call center only to be told her warranty ended after one year. They refuse to help her and tell her for $399, they can send someone to fix it.

My sister: “So you mean to tell me when the Lowe’s salesman stood there and told me I’d probably be dead before this washer quit working, he was just saying that?”

Whirlpool: “Ma’am, I’m sorry you were misled by the salesman.”

-Long awkward pause-

My sister: “Can I talk to your supervisor?”

Supervisor / Manager gets on the phone

My sister: “Hi there,  so from what I understand, Whirlpool doesn’t want to do anything about my broken washer. But I do have a serious question for you.”

Manager: “Go ahead with your question Ma’am.”

My sister: “Can I borrow some money for the laundromat this weekend?”

Manager: ” MA’AM, THAT IS ABSURD!” -CLICK-

The next day, my sister calls back and speaks with a different rep.

My sister: “So where do you live?”

Whirlpool Rep: “Oh we’re in Tennessee Ma’am.”

My sister: “Well, that’s a little far away. But I want to ask you… do you think I could come and wash my clothes at your house this weekend? What kind of washer do you have?”

Whirlpool Rep: “Ma’am, this is uncalled for. I am ending our phone call.”

The next day, my sister calls back and speaks with a different rep.

My sister: “So what kind of washer do you have?”

Whirlpool Rep: “Ma’am, that is irrelevant to our phone call.”

My sister: “I notice you didn’t say you have a whirlpool washer. I was going to warn you if you do have one, it might not last more than a year, like min-CLICK.

The next day, my sister calls back and speaks with a different rep.

My sister: “So I’ve made it clear that I don’t want to pay $399 for someone to come out and repair my washer, and you’ve made it clear that you don’t want to fix my washer for free. So can we at least agree to you maybe sending a washing board by Fed Ex?”

-CLICK-

Keep in mind, she is making all of these phone calls at her cubicle at work, and all of her co-workers are in tears listening to her call Whirlpool’s call center every day.  So the next day, she was going to call and ask the representative if “they knew anyone that could use a Whirlpool washer that doesn’t work at all. But it’s only a year old, so maybe they’d know someone.” Her husband then yells at her and says “Them motherfuckers are gonna call the cops on your dumb ass if you keep callin’ em. And I sure as shit ain’t bailing you the fuck out.” So she has stopped calling for now. Maybe we’ll drink some Boonesfarm over Thanksgiving and call.