It’s that time again, where I offer my poor, limited insight to the masses and educate you on the protocols of trailer life.

One important aspect of living in uncouth surroundings is making sure that your yard looks as much like a dumpster as possible. My family has literally become the authority on this topic, and so I am going to share my own expertise in this field with you.

Step 1- Always clean your car out and just leave whatever you find on the ground. You won’t actually need a plastic bag or any recepticles. You can just leave the pile of McDonald’s cups and your skoal tins in the yard.  And feel free to open new items in the yard, and drop the packaging wherever you like. Eventually, said items may make their way to step 2′s location.

Step 2- Don’t actually take your trash to the dump! You can do the environment-raping thing, and just burn everything in a pile. So once you empty out your car of said trash items, leave them there in hopes someone else will just throw your discards to the burn pile.  And no job is too great for the burn pile, let me tell you. Last week, my family burned the couch that my grandfather peed all over right in the front yard. Also, feel free to toss aerosol cans on this fire pile too, because the explosion is a great way to stay alert and also alarm the neighborhood that you’re sodomizing the environment in every way imaginable. Since the neighbors are all rednecks, they probably won’t care either. That just provides the opportunity to discuss wife beating and other current events. What the fuck is an ozone anyway?
It’s important that you do not bother to recycle as well. RECYCLING IS HOW THE TERRORISTS WIN.

Step 3- Make sure you hoard as much as possible! Don’t take the minimalistic route! My cousin once put seventeen cars behind my mom’s trailer, and then stuffed the cars with treasures from his garbage route. Everything from mildewed laptop bags, grills missing the third leg, and even a few of those plastic singing Billy bass fish* that were all the rage in 2002. He coveted his treasures in a wide variety of abandoned vehicles. Once I asked my grandfather about the six buckets of bottle caps behind his camper, and he informed me he would be using those to “make wheels for little toy cars.” This was 21 years ago, and the caps are still enjoying life behind his camper. Hoarding is a key element to our dumpster-yard hybrid, so please master this craft!

Step 4-Do not neuter or spay your dogs. This is important! You want the dogs to have as many puppies as possible because those puppies will then take trash from your car, or items from other hoarding scenarios, and then spread them across the yard. It’s like getting FREE labor! Think about if you had to drag that couch cushion’s guts all over the yard by yourself? Besides, nothing’s more fun than watching fifty dogs all haul ass when an aerosol can explodes randomly from the trash fire. This can provide good entertainment since you  probably aren’t ever sober enough to drive to an actual movie theatre.

Step 5- Pay close attention to your yard decor. Does it match? It better not. And it also should be sitting on grass that is borderline “snake pit” material. My expert advice here is to make sure if it’s July 4th, you have a Valentine’s Day flag up along with a snowman flag. The year is one big ass blur, no need to get specific. Also, everything needs to be rusty and questionable for your safety. Bonus points if there are chickens presently nesting on said yard decor.

And what would my blog be without artwork? Here is a drawing that my cousin did for this particular entry.(She actually has talent, sorry everyone.)

Well there you have it! I hope I have proven useful in your quest for the ultimate white trash yard/dumpster. These are all surefire tactics from my youth that are generations old and were secrets of the pros. Not anymore though! Keep being nice to me, and I MAY give you the recipe for my Diddy’s squirrel dumplins’.

Aight Nah Gal!

*Only 3 Billy the Basses lived past the rat plague in which ate several of their friends. Turns out, rats love abandoned cars. RIP BILLYS.