Hoarding & Extreme Couponing: And Just How The Hell Are They Different?

I’ll admit to you, loyal and anxious reader (all 1 of you) that I’m low on material at the moment to blog about. My family has been relatively functional and I have minimal to bitch about on a personal level.

I do want to spit some of my hot social commentary fire on the subject that came up between myself and a friend recently: Extreme Couponing is the organized non-feces involved version of hoarding.

If there’s 2 things my people are bringing to the public eye, its hoarding and coupons. Don’t act like you haven’t watched in horror as a fat bitch buys 32 bottles of mustard for 12 cents, or gagged into your can of Schlitz beer after seeing someone discover their missing 6 cat corpses under the toy train and doll part-ridden sofa. We all have, and we all swallowed our vomit down with you.

I want you to think for a second about how similar both types are.

First of all, hoarders can’t turn away a deal. And neither can coupon-ers! They will buy ANY FUCKING THING if its free or bottom dollar. For instance, why would a grown ass man need 26 boxes of tampons when he’s alone and single? Is he a couponer because he’s saving up for a vagina installation? Or the hoarder who found a 1922 Radio Flyer wagon at an estate sale for $10…only for it to sit on top of garbage island in their attic and give all the roaches Tetanus? Both of these types of folks just can’t say no, no matter how damned ridiculous the possible purchase is.

These people also don’t use logic with these purchases. Why do you need 38 bottles of mustard? Or why do you need 88 tubes of Colgate? HOW MANY TEETH DO YOU HAVE? ARE THERE MORE IN YOUR VAGINA? DO YOU OWN A HOT DOG STAND? What is happening here? And it seems like extreme coupon-ers always have the tiniest fucking houses on earth. You’d think with all that savings, they’d have money for a storage unit behind their house or something. Nope, the youngest baby uses 12 rolls of paper towels to reach the table for their .03 cent can of spaghetti-o’s.

But then in hoarder world, where the hell do these people get money to collect all this shit? I mean, most of these fuckers are 400 pounds, can’t clean in between the folds, and sleeping on their own adult diaper collection. “I’ve been in disability for 13 years because the smell of urine has made me go blind in one eye.” Okay, then how the hell do you have an SUV, and a 2,400 square foot house to cram all your treasures in?

The similarities are endless, but I want to point out this fact: both of these people ruin their own lives, or neglect their own lives due to these 2 past times. Think about it, how many housewives spend 60 hours a week coupon-ing? On all of these shows, the one common thread is “I spend anywhere from 40-60 hours a week getting my coupons together.” What a coincidence, you know what else is 40 hours a week? A FUCKING JOB! Why do none of these people work? I get that they’re house wives and such, but what an empty way to spend your life. Math sucks, and you’re spending 40 hours a week doing math and research. Take your ass to a community college and do math somewhere for a real wage instead of counting out pickles and pissing off store managers.

A hoarder’s life is often ruined because their kids get taken away, and their niece discovered 13 frozen birds in the deep freezer, orĀ  Jeffrey Dahmer’s head collection in a trunk, etc. It was a good deal at an estate sale, it was seniors day at Goodwill, or whatever excuse they have…then their families haul ass because no one wants to dine with 19 cats staring at them. So in the end, they’re left with their cats, sadness, and the landfill they call a bedroom where they can weep into a bag of Funyuns.

Also, both people hoard useless things! I’m sorry but dozens of boxes of Hamburger Helper are not nutritious for your children and neither are the 1200 bags of pizza rolls. Hello? Its called fruits and vegetables, and if you didn’t spend 60 hours clipping coupons, maybe your children would have decent food instead of processed doo doo. When is the last time you saw a coupon for a salad? Or an apple? That’s what I thought. ~drops the mic and exits stage~

It’s time to bring this bitch home. The morale of the story is bitches be crazy on these shows and need therapy, despite whichever of these time-swallowing paths they choose to take. And men who hoard free tampons need to be punched in the dick by a desperate PMS-raging woman who actually needs them. And THAT is a reality show I would gladly watch! AIGHT NAH GAL!


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