Believe it or not, rednecks and hillbillies are different (but still retarded) sub-cultures. Let me explain…

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I’d like to think that I am the authority on all matters white trash. I have a PH.D. in abandoned toilets, potted meat, and the Grand Ole Opry. But all of this useless knowledge didn’t just come to me overnight guys. It took a dysfunctional set of mentors to sculpt my knowledge and show me the ways of my people. And believe it or not, I am more hillbilly then red neck. “There’s a difference?” I can hear you asking, and yes there is.  Let me explain to you the difference in our peoples, and you will be able to identify our tribes in the wild.

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Rednecks like Nascar and believe wrestling is fake.

Hillbillies like Wrestling and don’t like Nascar. Also, wrestling is real, the Hulkster told them so.

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Rednecks use snuff. Preferably “Grizzly” brand. You can identify a true redneck by the perfect circle indented in his denim pocket from his Grizzly canister.

Hillbillies chew tobacco. My diddy was a Chattanooga chew man, spitting that shit (mixed with his gargantuan hockers) all in the 6 cups on his dashboard. He even tried to pay me to sneak in Chattanooga chew to his hospital room. Hillbilly  gangster.

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Rednecks are industrious and try to ghetto-rig every thing. Duct tape, some pot, and three of their drunk ass friends is all they need to fix that terlet.

Hillbillies are fucking lazy. My grandfather would literally let his hovel of a residence cave in around him while his rosined up his bow for some fiddlin’. They don’t fix anything, and they don’t try. Fuck it, throw it in the yard for the grand youngins to play on.

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Rednecks hunt. But they are particular about what game they’ll hunt and eat. They’ll go in the woods, and tug a big ass buck through the woods only to cram his ass into the freezer for winter. They are limited in their wildlife cuisine.
Hillbillies don’t hunt. But you bet your ass they will eat any beast that crawls out of the swamps. Squirrel dumplins, rabbit stew, and frog leg biscuits? Get the hell out of the way, cause that’s a feast, son. You won’t catch a hillbilly out hunting for jack shit, but if you come over about 3pm, wake his ass up, and give him a bag of squirrels…he’ll Yosemite Sam some kind of Paula Deen entree out of that miserable critter. Mmm mmm good, Bo!

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Rednecks love motorized recreational vehicles. Their chocolate-faced, obese little kids will have 32 cavities and need new Larry the Cable Guy undies, but you can trust that payment will get paid on the 4-wheeler before anyone gets to eat a corndog in that house. Priorities be damned, Cooter’s keepin his 4-wheeler Bo!

Hillbillies don’t want anything except fucking tractors. My diddy had at minimum 3 tractors the entire time I was a kid, and sometimes as many as 7. Did we have food? Probably not. Did we have Chattanooga Chew? Crates of the shit. And Porn.

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Rednecks smoke pot. And I mean, they smoke the shit out of some pot. They’re high by 2pm and drunk by 3pm because they usually don’t have real jobs. They work under the table for the guy that sells them the pot. They also love crack and crystal meth too, and make that shit in the house while watching “Here comes Honey Boo-Boo.”

Hillbillies don’t smoke pot. My grandiddy probably doesn’t know what pot is and my Diddy was too interested in being drunk to discover pot. They’re usually more into homemade moonshine and cigarettes. And to be historically accurate, pot just showed up in the mountains when the Avett Brothers started touring. Give the Hillbillies time, and they’ll put five on it.

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Rednecks generally have all their teeth, unless they’re meth heads or on crack. They probably aren’t the Colgate Hollywood Smile you’d like to see, but they do have some, if not most of their teeth.

Hillbillies have few teeth. Back in the 80’s, my granddiddy taught me how to use a tree branch to brush my teeth. To this day, I don’t know why he used a tree branch when Dollar Tree has a 5 pack of toothbrushes for a buck. Even with his advanced hygiene of tree branches, his ass had like, 10 teeth. When I was born, my diddy didn’t have a tooth in his head. I was so used to seeing his gummy, sagging lips flopped over in his mouth, that when he put in his first set of dentures, I almost pissed myself. And I was seventeen.

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Rednecks always have sweet ass cars if they don’t have a DUI or 8. They always have a really nice vehicle, usually a Ford F-150 or higher, and sometimes they have sports cars like Camaros or Mustangs. I’m always impressed by riding with rednecks, because they travel in style and luxury, and also around 80mph on terrifyingly narrow back roads.They will usually adorn these fine vehicles with eagles, flags, and something about how “real men love Jesus.” For the female redneck, she will have a Tinkerbell sticker, or Betty Boop decal.

Hillbillies won’t spend money on cars, period. They always drive pieces of shit, smoking up the highway and parts falling off of it. Half the time, their cars are salvaged titles, missing paint, and from someone’s yard. My first car, no shit… was $300 from a dude’s yard. My diddy went home and fixed a couple things on it (Unheard of for a hillbilly, see previous statement on fixing things!) and I used it for like a year. (See entry “Sheena’s redneck rides” for more car related hilarity.  http://www.whoshavedmymullet.com/a-look-back-at-sheenas-redneck-rides-and-why-she-just-wanted-a-unicorn/) This was the pattern; you bought a car and it lasted maybe 2 years at most. Your underwear generally lasts you longer than our cars lasted us. And hillbillies will never in their lives buy a NEW car. A price tag above $1000 is “highway robbery” and they’ll keep shopping around for that $500 prize. Also, hillbillies will plaster said new car with Jesus tags and stickers with  such sentiments  as “I <3 my cat” and “I owe, I owe, so off to work I go!”

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That’s just the beginning of the differences. And what a weird thing to have knowledge on… should I be ashamed of myself? Did you find this educational? I did. (Puts on Mr. Roger’s type sweater.) Tune in next week when we identify the similarities in a colorful and mildly offensive fashion. For now, I leave you with my artistic brilliance. AIGHT NAH, GAL!

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