It’s that time of year again, where I coupon and buy one get one free on everything I can to placate my mother and make my aunt feel like someone gives a shit about her existence since her sons aren’t stellar at actually being sons. It’s also the time of year that my sister loosens her sphincter and decides to get wasted listening to Journey’s Greatest Hits and I film it on my phone for blackmail purposes. This October I got laid off from my job (story of my goddamned life) and so I’m literally pulling gifts out of my crimped mullet with the help of coupons and promo codes. The sad part of that is, my gifts will always kick the most ass, even though I am unemployed. And that’s the case this year. You see, I knew my job was going way too awesome, so I started buying shit online back in August. I mean, I was being paid an awesome wage, AND not biting the barrel of a cold pistol at the end of the work day, so in my experience, that always means it won’t last long. Don’t start being all “Oh Sheena, you’re such a pessimist” because it’s called being realistic. Look that shit up in this Dollar Tree dictionary I am putting in your Elvis stocking. Yeh, it was a dollar, that’s how we do.
Anyways, Christmas is bumming me out but I leave for London and Rome in January, so I am whoring my side businesses in hopes to procure extra funds for that. If there’s one thang my pappy taught me, it’s you GOTS to keep hustlin’.
Hey, did you know you can layaway shit again? That was the redneck way back in the 80′s and 90′s. My mom would threaten to put all my layaway-ed clothes for school back when I misbehaved. And judging from the shirts in my school pics, I should have let her. Of course my sister did some layaway-ing when she found that out, and went to the classiest joint of all: K-Mart. K-mart’s empire took a mighty ass tumble somewhere in the early 2000′s, and now it’s about as classy an Insane Clown Posse concert. Regardless, she’s reppin’ the K-mart this year. All I asked for was money for Europe and Keurig K-cups. Ever since I got laid off, I can’t bring my fat ass to pump $6.99 into 12 cups of luxurious coffee.
I’m going to be optimistic though guys. I’ve been working on my book, and unlike this blog, it’s actually becoming a decent read. Although it has come to my attention that this blog has a lot of grammar errors and etc in it, I’d like to politely let you know I don’t actually give a cluck.
I know this blog sucks to heck, but my family hasn’t done anything outrageous recently and I figured I at least needed to spread a little redneck observation into your world for a minute. I have some good stuff planned in the future for my loyal readers (all 2 of you) so stay tuned and Happy Hollerdays!
Precious memories of our tree brought you by Schlitz Beer and K-Mart.
No, seriously. Let that sweater go BACK TO LAYAWAY. What the FUCK mom?