And Then, She Resurfaced Like Herpes (But Less Itchy)

Some of you may have wondered what ever happened to Sheena in 2014, especially when she said she would be updating her blog more regularly and then virtually yelled “PSYCH!” all 1992-style. Well, shit happened. Life, bills, all kinds of crap related to being a grown ass adult that consistently fights back the white trash genetics happened. I did some pretty cool stuff to remove myself further away from the trailer bubble all this year and I’ll share with you what the hell happened while I was not updating my blog and you braided your pubes in anticipation:

 

January 2014 – Went to Rome, Italy and London, England
Yes, I left the United States and gathered myself some culture. I got to see Big Ben, Windsor Castle, and the Roman Colosseum. No one in my family or extended family has ever left the United States, and has barely left North Carolina, especially after dark. Hell, that’s when the devil shows up for buttsecks.
Anyways, during this trip, my brain exploded from the wonders of the world and how amazing it truly is. I toured the Vatican, rode on a double decker bus, and it was all I dreamed it would be. +10 points for escaping the trailer park. -5 points for stumbling in the Sistine chapel and almost falling onto an entire terrified Asian family. Sorry ya’ll. But then I saw this mullet in Rome:
romemullet
We call this Gladiator Mullet

Late January 2014 – My grandfather passed
It was a bummer. His standard of living wasn’t great in a nursing home with dementia, but it’s never easy to lose someone. In the south, when someone dies, you get a ton of free amazing food. So in grieving you can satiate your depression with homemade apple pie and banana pudding. I don’t know why obesity is an issue in the South. (Sarcasm)

February 2014 – Started the worst job ever
The less said about this, the better. All you need to know is I used the bus to get there, was harassed daily by every meth head in the south. I ate my emotions, debated walking into oncoming traffic and experienced some pretty bad meltdowns. Luckily a company rescued me and now that’s why I am in the mood to write again. I’m back to being same ole’ G.
May 2014 – September 2014 – Purchased a home
Not a trailer. Hell, not even a double-wide trailer. An actual place constructed of bricks n’ shit. There’s not even a hubcap in the yard. Do you know what I did this week? I bought solar powered lights for the sidewalk. That is fancy shit. The stove has no burners because its flat, none of the windows are cracked, and best of all, there are no abandoned vehicles out front. I learned about taxes and escrows, and learned how to file the paperwork away instead of letting cats piss on them. I mow the grass and remember the yard I grew up in…the beer bottles, paint cans, and dog skeletons scattered everywhere and how embarrassed I was to get off the bus and have people see where I lived. Never in my life thought I’d escape that shit pile lifestyle and be proud of what I had, but I dreamed someday of it happening. Like Justin Bieber said, never say never.

Anyways, I appreciate your patience and minimum shit talking while I packed this crazy year behind me. Now that life has settled, I want to work on getting published and getting my stories heard plus updating this no money makin’ ass blog. I know these tales are so wack, you probably think I’m making them up, but if one little girl can give herself a mullet and still leave the trailer park to see Rome, there’s hope for all of you bastards.
Aight Nah, Gal
-S

Merry White Trash Christmas to You and Yours, Now Let’s Head to K-Mart for Some Layaway

It’s that time of year again, where I coupon and buy one get one free on everything I can to placate my mother and make my aunt feel like someone gives a shit about her existence since her sons aren’t stellar at actually being sons. It’s also the time of year that my sister loosens her sphincter and decides to get wasted listening to Journey’s Greatest Hits and I film it on my phone for blackmail purposes. This October I got laid off from my job (story of my goddamned life) and so I’m literally pulling gifts out of my crimped mullet with the help of coupons and promo codes. The sad part of that is, my gifts will always kick the most ass, even though I am unemployed. And that’s the case this year. You see, I knew my job was going way too awesome, so I started buying shit online back in August. I mean, I was being paid an awesome wage, AND not biting the barrel of a cold pistol at the end of the work day, so in my experience, that always means it won’t last long. Don’t start being all “Oh Sheena, you’re such […]

WWF Comes to Section 8

It was last week when I was told of a great tale involving a threesome with a handicapped individual, my brother-in-law, and their best friend Busch Lite.

Apparently my brother-in-law went out to visit his friend “One-Eared Willy” in the Section 8 projects where many disabled folks lived.

As they sat on the steps of One-Eared-Willy’s house with beer, a gentleman in a motorized wheelchair rolled over to my brother-in- law, and yelled obscenities while waving around the arm of the wheelchair. “I’m gonna kick your ass motherfucker!” My  brother-in-law was intoxicated and carefree, he wanted no part in that. After all, the world wasn’t ready for the new moves of the Gold-Toothed Gargantuan.

“NO hell you ain’t. Get on out of here!” said my also drunk brother-in-law.
“I’m gonna kick your ass!” said the man on his wheelchair, still waving around his wheelchair handle, ready to fuck something up.

Out came the can of Grizzly dip straight into his cheek, as my brother-in-law reared back on an imaginary wrestling ring, and ran at the mouthy drunk gentleman, clothes lining him completely OUT of his wheelchair, onto the ground. He laid there, in silence, wondering what the hell happened to him.

My brother-in-law  then turned […]

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Who the Hell is Sheena?
Sheena is the name my mom gave me when she heard Sheena Easton's "Morning Train" in 1981. My dad could never say it or remember it, so my sister still calls me "Sheiler" because that's what he called me. I write, I sing, I paint, and more importantly, I'm good at making people laugh. This blog was started in hopes to find the twisted readers who would love what I do, and share with others.
Past Blog Posts